The Student
I'm standing in the middle of the street. It's not any ordinary street, but a street that is wide--one that leads to Tianamen Square-- with tanks crawling towards me. (I would expand this last part, "-- with tanks crawling towards me..." and make the phrase into its own sentence. ) All I see are these tanks--everything else around me is not important.
This is the act of bravery.
This is not foolishness.
This is how I feel.
If I ruled the world, I'd end the war, and stop the hate that exists between our countries and our people. If I ruled the world, I would shoot heartache in its own heart, and let it bleed to death. If I ruled the world, I would eliminate cruelty and show the ignorant how some people treat the living--that everything is not just happy and perfect, that no one has to deny themselves of their rights. (Please take out "of" before "their rights".)
I'm only a student. Why bring out these tanks?
What do you think that will solve, huh?
I want you to tell me, you communist pigs.
No more violence... there wasn't any to begin with!
All we want is the freedom of our rights, for we deserve this freedom!
The rumbling of the monstrous tanks trembles my body. (Do you mean: "makes my body tremble"?) I can't back out now, I've already gone this far. This is for all my fellow colleagues. If I die, it was all for good reason. (I'd take out "all" in both of the last 2 sentences.)
I feel pain for my country,
in my academic freedom, ("I feel pain in my academic freedom" is a little confusing--could you say more to explain what you mean?...
and for the scholars just like me.
I feel pain for those who are not free,
in their own environment,
and for those who do not do something about it. (The word "it" is a little vague. Could you say what "it" is?)
I just need to position myself with confidence--to become an obstacle in front of the tanks--an unavoidable obstacle that can't be ignored.
Halt their movements.
The Tank Driver
What the hell is this kid doing? Is he crazy?
We're only doing our job, what else can we do?
Get out of the way!
... Are you serious? Did he really just climb onto the tank?
Go open the hatch, tell him to get the fuck off, or else we'll shoot him down.
We're only doing our job.
Tiffany, you are a good writer. This is well done. I appreciate your use of the whole page and your ambitious use of punctuation. In your writing in the future, make sure to describe the objects in the scene. Narrative is important to artists in many ways, but, as artists, I think we should also be attuned to how things look and how they are made.
ReplyDelete